BlogMonks :-P

Douglas Wright, un groso!

Hoy, en uno de los coles, tuve la oportunidad de ver una poesía que estaban utilizando los nenes. Recién llegada a casa, me dispuse a buscar información sobre la misma... miren lo que encontré!

Seguramente, todos los habitantes del océano quieren a la ballena Elena. Porque es gorda, es buena y nada por los mares como una sirena…

Info Sobre el Autor:
Douglas Wright es ilustrador, humorista, creador de juegos visuales y autor de libros para chicos. Sus dibujos aparecen en libros y revistas de la Argentina y en diarios de otros países.

La Ballena Elena

LA BALLENA ELENA
ES GORDA Y ES BUENA,
NADA POR LOS MARES
COMO UNA SIRENA.

COMO ES AZULADA,
SUEÑA QUE ES UN HADA
CADA VEZ QUE APOYA
SU CUERPO EN LA ALMOHADA.

LA BALLENA ELENA,
CUANDO ERA UNA NENA,
TAMBIÉN ERA GORDA,
TAMBIÉN ERA BUENA.

SIEMPRE SONREÍA
CUANDO ELLA VEÍA
A SUS TRES PRIMITAS
Y A SU TÍA MARÍA.

LA BALLENA ELENA,
CUANDO ALMUERZA O CENA,
SE TOMA UN GRAN PLATO
DE SOPA DE AVENA.

CUANDO ESTÁ CANSADA
HASTA EL FONDO NADA
Y DESCANSA UN RATO
PARADA O SENTADA.

LA BALLENA ELENA
NUNCA TIENE PENA
PORQUE ELLA ES ALEGRE

Y PORQUE ELLA ES BUENA.

No se, me encantó! Les dejo:
PDF con todas las imágenes y la poesía
MP3 para disfrutar
Y un bonus:

Expo Les Luthiers

Siguiendo con el tema de los últimos posts, desde el 15 de agosto y hasta el 16 de septiembre, se desarrolla en la Sala Cronopios del Centro Cultural Recoleta, la "Expo Les Luthiers. 40 años, 5 décadas, 2 siglos". Con esta, se celebran los 40 años de Les Luthiers. Apto para todo público, se realizarán presentaciones especiales y entrevistas públicas a los cinco integrantes, proyecciones de videos, talleres y mesas redondas. El "broche de oro", será el sábado 15 con un recital de entrada libre y gratuita de Les Luthiers, en las escalinatas de la Facultad de Derecho.

Más info

Fuente

Más de Les Luthiers!

Simplemente, excelentes.

Monólogo de Ravinovich



Se destetó Teté!



Más Videos en YouTube

Cursos para Mujeres!

Son una serie de cursos intensivos, de una semana de duración cada uno, que se impartirán durante los meses de verano.
Lugar: Por concretar.
Profesorado: Especialistas suficientemente cualificados (por confirmar).

Lista de Cursos:
* Cómo superar la dependencia a tus amigas.
* Análisis del hábito de ir al baño juntas. (Con gráficos)
* Aprende a organizar tu bolso. (Con prácticas de grupo)
* Qué ocurre al subir al auto. Técnicas de estacionamiento.
* Nuevos métodos de autoestima: El wonderbra (Con diapositivas panorámicas).
* ¿Por qué agobias a tu marido? Traumas infantiles y sus consecuencias.
* Inconvenientes de los tacones. Nunca estarás a la altura del hombre.
* Por qué no es incompatible comer una docena de churros y echarle edulcorante al café.
* Supervivencia 1: dónde está la rueda de auxilio en un coche.
* Supervivencia 2: cómo cambiar una rueda (Se requiere haber aprobado el anterior).
* Supervivencia avanzada: comprobar el nivel del aceite del coche.
* El porqué de la somnolencia de tu marido "después de".
* Que ocurre con tus pechos. Tú y la gravedad. Análisis práctico.
* Tú y la depiladora, enemigas irreconciliables.
* El maquillaje o la metamorfosis femenina. (Con fotografías).
* ¿Por qué te crece el bigote?. El lado masculino de cada mujer.
* Diferencias entre las seis y las seis y media. Cómo ser puntual.
* Cómo mantener una conversación telefónica de menos de una hora.
* La caja de herramientas, esa gran desconocida.
* Tú también puedes aprender sobre el fútbol (Con vídeos).

Funny, isn't it?

Un Poco de Humor =)

Obra: Mi amada es una máquina
Versión: Estreno en Rosario (13/05/1987)

Marcos Mundstock:

Sin duda, la alucinada personalidad del ingeniero Armand Cerveaux es fascinante. Su amor por las máquinas convive desordenadamente con su naturaleza apasionada y poética. Ya de joven escribió: "Hermosa Isabelle Superbe, disuelves en tu torbellino febril la sustancia que me nutre". Conviene aclarar que Isabelle Superbe era la marca de una licuadora. También vivió un romance con una máquina tragamonedas, pero la abandonó cuando descubrió que a ella sólo le interesaba su dinero. Pero el gran amor de Armand Cerveaux es una computadora. "Tu nombre es computadora -suele decirle- pero yo te llamo por tu diminutivo: Dora".

Armand Cerveaux está convencido de que esa computadora, Dora, no es otra que la reina hechizada de Tropsouvent. Según la leyenda, su marido, el cruel y celoso monarca de Tropsouvent, encerraba a la reina en la torre del palacio y la obligaba a usar un cinturón de castidad con un pesado candado. Lo único que le era permitido en su encierro eran las clases de filosofía y literatura que le daba un joven seminarista, que en realidad sabía muy poco de literatura, y apenas si poseía algunas nociones de cerrajería. Muy pronto, sabios y estudiosos de todos los rincones del país acudieron a palacio para darle clases a la reina. La reina adquirió una gran cultura. La tristeza de su rostro dio paso a una plácida sonrisa y a un extraño brillo en su mirada.

La reina comenzó a tomar clases de álgebra, laúd, alquimia, teología, resistencia de materiales, repostería, gramática griega, y hasta un curso de latín de conversación en grupos. El monarca, celoso de la sabiduría de la reina, ordenó al brujo de la corte que la hechizara; y así fue como la bella y sabia reina fue convertida en un monstruoso artefacto inanimado, que conservaría todos sus conocimientos, pero que sólo podrían ser descifrados por quien la amara con pureza. Esto dice la leyenda.

Y el poeta e ingeniero Armand Cerveaux está convencido de que la computadora de su amor, Dora, es la reina hechizada y que él es el predestinado a descifrar su sabiduría. A continuación escucharemos la tierna canción de amor que Armand Cerveaux dedicó a Dora, y en ella a todas las computadoras del mundo. Su título: "Mi amada es una Máquina".

Daniel Rabinovich:

Te veo por esos campos
en mis sueños cibernéticos
ondeando al viento tus cables
por esos campos magnéticos.

Me atraviesa una descarga,
un eléctrico temblor,
cuando deslizo mi mano
por tu panel posterior.

Tengo celos de los hombres
que tu memoria han cargado,
que te dieron sus tarjetas,
que tocaron tu teclado.

Excitaron tus circuitos
y aunque sé que no los amas
son demasiados los hombres
con los que has hecho programas.

En qué estarás procesando,
tu monitor, por qué calla?
Me estas ocultando algo,
se te nota en la pantalla.

No contestas mi diskette
Por qué no me imprimes nada?
No almacenaste mis ruegos
o es que estás desenchufada?

Eres cruel e insensible
al amor que me devora,
eres fría y sistemática,
eres muy calculadora.

Grábame algún mensaje
con esa voz digital,
puedes comenzar a hablar
a partir de la señal.

Para todos los demás
no eres más
que una computadora
que no siente ni palpita.
Para mi siempre serás
Simplemente Dora ...
Dora ... mi computita.

(Les Luthiers)

♬ You are a pirat!♬

Bajate el tema!
http://rapidshare.com/files/52388625/You_Are_A_Pirate_-_Lazy_Town.mp3.html

Más videos!
Lazy Town - Somos Piratas (You're A Pirate, Latin American)
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=EGoZ-jXT_v0

Lazy town pirate rap
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=i8UTo878Zuw

POTC-AWE-You are a pirate
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=vIbqEEX2cbo&NR=1

HOW TO TICK PEOPLE OFF

1. Leave the copy machine set to reduce 200%, extra dark, 17 inch paper, 99 copies.
2. In the memo field of all your checks, write "for sexual favors."
3. Specify that your drive-through order is "TO-GO."
4. If you have a glass eye, tap on it occasionally with your pen while talking to others.
5. Stomp on little plastic ketchup packets.
6. Insist on keeping your car windshield wipers running in all weather conditions "to keep them tuned up."
7. Reply to everything someone says with "that's what you think."
8. Practice making fax and modem noises.
9. Highlight irrelevant information in scientific papers and "cc" them to your boss.
10. Make beeping noises when a large person backs up.
11. Finish all your sentences with the words "in accordance with prophesy."
12. Signal that a conversation is over by clamping your hands over your ears and grimacing.
13. Disassemble your pen and "accidentally" flip the ink cartridge across the room.
14. Holler random numbers while someone is counting.
15. Adjust the tint on your TV so that all the people are green, and insist to others that you "like it that way."
16. Staple pages in the middle of the page.
17. Publicly investigate just how slowly you can make a croaking noise.
18. Honk and wave to strangers.
19. Decline to be seated at a restaurant, and simply eat their complimentary mints at the cash register.
20. TYPE IN UPPERCASE.
21. type only in lowercase.
22. dont use any punctuation either
23. Buy a large quantity of orange traffic cones and reroute whole streets.
24. Repeat the following conversation a dozen times.
    "DO YOU HEAR THAT?"
    "What?"
    "Never mind, it's gone now."
25. As much as possible, skip rather than walk.
26. Try playing the William Tell Overture by tapping on the bottom of your chin. When nearly done, announce "No, wait, I messed it up," and repeat.
27. Ask people what gender they are.
28. While making presentations, occasionally bob your head like a parakeet.
29. Sit in your front yard pointing a hair dryer at passing cars to see if they slow down.
30. Sing along at the opera.
31. Go to a poetry recital and ask why each poem doesn't rhyme.
32. Ask your co-workers mysterious questions and then scribble their answers in a notebook. Mutter something about "psychological profiles."

Source

Para empezar el día con una sonrisa:

From: Diario Clarín

Signs You Need to Clean Your Keyboard

From the page:

11. You can turn over keyboard and get a mid-afternoon snack.

10. The layer of dust under the keys doesn't let you press any of them.

9. You used up a brand new vacuum bag and it's still dirty.

8. You can't tell the difference anymore between the NumLock LED and the bioluminescent fungus.

7. The ants have taken the 'w', 'v', and 'Esc' keys.

6. Some of the keys are depressing themselves.

5. You need the drivers and can't tell if it's a Logitech or MS keyboard.

4. You may be typing with the *other* hand, but still... dude!

3. Even the roaches refuse to crawl over it.

2. People ask for a set of rubber gloves before using your computer.

1. Your roommate says he loves your Chia keyboard.


Link

Lo que hace al 100%

From a strictly mathematical viewpoint it goes like this:

What Makes 100%?

What does it mean to give MORE than 100%? Ever wonder about those people who say they are giving more than 100%? We have all been to those meetings where someone wants you to give over 100%. How about achieving 103%? What makes up 100% in life?

Here's a little mathematical formula that might help you answer these questions:

If:

A B C D E F G H I J K L M N O P Q R S T U V W X Y Z is represented as:

1 2 3 4 5 6 7 8 9 10 11 12 13 14 15 16 17 18 19 20 21 22 23 24 25 26.

Then:

H-A-R-D-W-O-R-K is

8+1+18+4+23+15+18+11 = 98%

and

K-N-O-W-L-E-D-G-E is

11+14+15+23+12+5+4+7+5 = 96%

But,

A-T-T-I-T-U-D-E is

1+20+20+9+20+21+4+5 = 100%

And,

B-U-L-L-S-H-I-T is

2+21+12+12+19+8+9+20 = 103%

AND, look how far ass kissing will take you.

A-S-S-K-I-S-S-I-N-G is

1+19+19+11+9+19+19+9+14+7 = 118%

So, one can conclude with mathematical certainty that While Hard work and Knowledge will get you close, and Attitude will get you there, it's the Bullshit and Ass kissing that will put you over the top.

Found Via

Not Very Careful Selection of Domain Names

All of these are legitimate companies that didn't spend quite enough time considering how their online names might appear ... and be misread! These are not made up. Check them out yourself!

1. Who Represents is where you can find the name of the agent that represents any celebrity. Their web site is www.whorepresents.com

2. Experts Exchange is a knowledge base where programmers can exchange advice and views at www.expertsexchange.com

3. Looking for a pen? Look no further than Pen Island at www.penisland.net

4. Need a therapist? Try Therapist Finder at www.therapistfinder.com

5. There's the Italian Power Generator company, www.powergenitalia.com

6. And don't forget the Mole Station Native Nursery in New South Wales, www.molestationnursery.com

7. If you're looking for IP computer software, there's always www.ipanywhere.com

8. The First Cumming Methodist Church web site is www.cummingfirst.com

9. And the designers at Speed of Art await you at their wacky Web site, www.speedofart.com

Fuente

Kids say the darnest things ^^

1. This is a picture of an octopus. It has eight testicles.

2. Oysters’ balls are called pearls.

3. If you are surrounded by sea you are an Island. If you don’t have sea all round you, you are in continent.

4. I think sharks are ugly and mean, and have big teeth, just like Emily Richardson. She’s not my friend no more.

5. A dolphin breaths through an asshole on the top of it’s head.

6. My uncle goes out in his boat with pots, and comes back with crabs.

7. I like mermaids. They are beautiful, and I like their shiny tails. How do mermaids get pregnant?

8. Some fish are dangerous. Jelly fish can sting. Electric eels can give you a shock. They have to live in caves under the sea where I think they have to plug themselves into chargers.

9. My mom has fish nets, but doesn’t catch any fish.

10. When you go swimming in the sea, it is very cold, and it makes my willy small.

11. When me and Sarah went to the sea side in the summer, we hid in the sand dunes and watched my big sister doing it with her boy friend. It was fun.

12. A submarine goes under the water like a fish, but it has lots of seamen inside.

13. When I grow up, I want to be captain of a big ship, and have lots of sailors.

14. Divers have to be safe when they go under the water. Two divers can’t go down alone, so they have to go down on each other.

15. When we went on vacation my Mom went water skiing. She fell off when she was going very fast. She says she won’t do it again because water shot up her fanny.

Fuente

What kids say

You've read the stories now see loads of weird and funny videos CLICK HERE TO VIEW. Thanks for visiting!

Out of the mouths of children….!

1. A nursery school pupil told his teacher he’d found a cat, but it was dead.

“How do you know that the cat was dead?” she asked her pupil.
“Because I pissed in its ear and it didn’t move,” answered the child innocently.
“You did WHAT?” the teacher exclaimed in surprise.
“You know,” explained the boy, “I leaned over and went ‘Pssst’ and it didn’t move”

2. A small boy is sent to bed by his father. Five minutes later…..”Da-ad….”

“What?”
“I’m thirsty. Can you bring a drink of water?”
“No, You had your chance. Lights out.”
Five minutes later: “Da-aaaad…..”
“WHAT?”
“I’m THIRSTY. Can I have a drink of water??”
I told you NO! If you ask again, I’ll have to smack you!!”
Five minutes later……”Daaaa-aaaad…..”
“WHAT!”
“When you come in to smack me, can you bring a drink of water?”

3. An exasperated mother, whose son was always getting into mischief, finally asked him “How do you expect to get into Heaven?”

The boy thought it over and said, “Well, I’ll run in and out and in and out and keep slamming the door until St. Peter says, ‘For Heaven’s sake, Dylan, come in or stay out!’”

4. One summer evening during a violent thunderstorm a mother was tucking her son into bed.

She was about to turn off the light when he asked with a tremor in his voice, “Mummy,will you sleep with me tonight?”
The mother smiled and gave him a reassuring hug. “I can’t dear,” she said. “I have to sleep in Daddy’s room.”
A long silence was broken at last by his shaky little voice: “The big sissy.”

5. It was that time, during the Sunday morning service, for the children’s sermon.

All the children were invited to come forward. One little girl was wearing a particularly pretty dress and,as she sat down, the minister leaned over and said, “That is a very pretty dress. Is it your Easter Dress?”
The little girl replied, directly into the minister’s clip-on microphone, “Yes, and my Mum says it’s a bitch to iron.”

6. When I was six months pregnant with my third child, my three year old came into the room when I was just getting ready to get into the shower.

She said, “Mummy, you are getting fat!”
I replied, “Yes, honey, remember Mummy has a baby growing in her tummy.”
“I know,” she replied, but what’s growing in your bum?”

7. A little boy was doing his math homework. He said to himself,

“Two plus five, that son of a bitch is seven.
Three plus six, that son of a bitch is nine….”
His mother heard what he was saying and gasped, “What are you doing?”
The little boy answered, “I’m doing my math homework, Mum.”
“And this is how your teacher taught you to do it?” the mother asked
“Yes,” he answered.
Infuriated, the mother asked the teacher the next day, “What are you teaching my son in math?”
The teacher replied, “Right now, we are learning addition.”
The mother asked, “And are you teachingthem to say two plus two, that son of a bitch is four?”
After the teacher stopped laughing, she answered,
“What I taught them was, two plus two, THE SUM OF WHICH, is four.”

8. One day the first grade teacher was reading the story of Chicken Little to her class.

She came to the part of the story where Chicken Little tried to warn the farmer. She read, “…. and so Chicken
Little went up to the farmer and said, “The sky is falling, the sky is falling!”
The teacher paused then asked the class, “And what do you think that farmer said?”
One little girl raised her hand and said, “I think he said: ‘Holy Shit! A talking chicken!’”
The teacher was unable to teach for the next 10 minutes.

9. A certain little girl, when asked her name, would reply,

“I’m Mr. Sugarbrown’s daughter.”
Her mother told her this was wrong, she must say, “I’m Jane Sugarbrown.”
The Vicar spoke to her in Sunday School, and said, “Aren’t you Mr.
Sugarbrown’s daughter?”
She replied, “I thought I was, butmother says I’m not.”

10. A little girl asked her mother, “Can I go outside and play with the boys?”

Her mother replied, “No, you can’t play with the boys, they’re too rough.”
The little girl thought about it for a few moments and asked, If I can find a smooth one, can I play with him?”

11. A little girl goes to the barber shop with her father.

She stands next to the barber chair, while her dad gets his hair cut, eating a snack cake The barber says to her, “Sweetheart, you’re gonna get hair on your muffin.”
She says, “Yes, I know, and I’m gonna get boobs too.”

Fuente

N de la R: Ni ganas de traducir, perdón (tengo bocha para corregir y toy depre) :S

¿Que pasa entre Mirtha Legrand y He-man?

El rumor aun no confirmado dice que todo empezó cuando la diva invitó al héroe a su programa para interrogarlo sobre las inyecciones de membrillo que le provocaron la muerte a Skeletor en San Isidro. Las incisivas preguntas de la diva parecían comprometer al musculoso, ya que cuando ella le pregunto si la jeringa estaba homologada con autoridad de primo carpintero, He-man se puso nervioso y estornudó siete shoppings de merluza, uno al lado del otro. Mirtha, sin saber que hacer, trato de calmarlo cantándole "No llores por mi Argentina" en versión Samba. Al minuto el rubio se calmó y la contempló enamoradísimo, mientras el pato Abondanzieri, vestido de mucama, les servía licor de lechón en finas copas de cristal. Luego Mirtha fue al corte para disimular, sin embargo hay testigos que dicen que mientras pasaban las propagandas ella le acariciaba la pantorrilla con suavidad de bibliotecaria jujeña. Una vez finalizado el programa dicen que pasaron toda la tarde en el estudio jugando a una consola sucia con miel de carnicero que le brotó a He-man de su robusta espalda ante la atónita mirada de los camarógrafos.

"La Sú me salvó la vida!!!" :-P

(click en la imagen para ir a la fuente del post)

El nombre de la popular conductora de T.V. Argentina resonó fuerte esta mañana en EE.UU..

Según informó la cadena de noticias norteamericana CNN, la diva, secretamente, habría ayudado a recuperarse Otto Mann, el conocido chofer del autobús de Los Simpsons, de un problema que lo venía aquejando desde hace ya algunos años: su desmedida adicción al Vitel Thoné.

La conductora habría conocido a Otto en un supermercado de Miami, al acercarse intrigada por haberlo visto portando una desmesurada cantidad de peceto en su carro. La comunicación entre ella y el joven parece haber sido complicada en un principio, ya que él se negaba rotundamente a quitarse los auriculares con los que escuchaba el partido de Cambaceres vs. Club Atlético Guasón en Velorio.

A la salida de supermercado tuvieron un encuentro en una confitería y él le contó su triste historia, la cuál conmovió a Susana a tal punto que tuvo que llegar a secarse las lágrimas de la cara con el sanguche de miga que estaba comiendo porque ya había usado todas las servilletas.

"Otto ya no podía comer otra cosa que no fuera Vitel Thoné y eso lo tenía demasiado preocupado", informaron fuentes cercanas al caso.
Su nivel de fanatismo lo habría llevado a hacerse una tatuaje descomunal en la espalda de una figaza con siete rodajas de Vitel thoné y llenar el famoso autobús escolar de posters de esta comida, lo que provocaba hambre en los niños y por ende promovía su obesidad. Esto llevó a Otto a figurar en el libro Guiness de los records, como el mayor deglutidor de Vitel Thoné de la historia.

Pero esta historia parece haber terminado luego de una corta pero eficaz ayuda de Susana Giménez, quién le ofreció engañosamente un Vithel Thoné con salsa de moquillo de Jazmín cosecha 2001 y sudor genital de los susanos del día de su primer casting para el programa, lo que provocó que Otto quedara asqueado de por vida a esa comida.

Sin embargo no hay mas datos acerca de este suceso, debido a la breve y accidentada conferencia de prensa que brindó Susana esta tarde en Miami. Cuando se le preguntó acerca de la recuperación de Otto, se enfureció y empezó a gritar desaforadamente cosas sin mucha lógica como: “El TA TA TA de Victor Hugo Morales, es mejor que el del Profesor Jirafales!!”, “Pablo Echarri debe confesarse ante un cura con hocico o morirá pronto!”, “Tevez se fue de luna de miel con Mario Bros y durmieron sobre una gran tortilla de papas!”, “Macaya Márquez no ordena su sótano por miedo a un lagartito que lo vigila en moto!”,

“Peter Pan, no come Pan para no quedarse sin apellido!!”.

Cuando un guardia de seguridad la agarró por atrás y le tapó la boca para que no siguiera con semejante bochorno, ella le comió la mano y la vomitó en forma de 8 pequeños Terminators bailando el “ULA ULA” alrededor de una pequeña olla que tenía en el agua a Cacho Castaña cantando el himno de Uzbekistán. Sin embargo uno de esos pequeños Terminators la traiciona y le dispara un balín somnífero en la nariz, lo que permitió arrestarla.

Hasta el momento Susana se encontraba declarando en los Tribunales de Miami, junto al intestino delgado de Tweety, quien fue condenado a reclusión perpetua, por asaltar una fábrica de lupas en Banfield.

CIRUJANO DE OSOS DE PELUCHE!!!

El éxito comercial de los hospitales para muñecos no se detiene: luego de la aparición de la clínica para Barbies, una universidad francesa realiza intervenciones quirúrgicas a ositos de peluche.

Se trata de una iniciativa de de la Facultad de Medicina de la Universidad de Strasbourg, consistente en operar muñecos de felpa ante la atenta mirada de los niños, para que conozcan cómo es el trabajo de los cirujanos. No obstante, este experimento educativo sólo fue realizado durante un día y no perseguía fines económicos.

Por su parte, el Museo de los Niños de La Crosse, ubicado en Wisconsin, EE.UU., abrió una clínica para osos de peluche que permite a sus visitantes de entre 4 y 12 años operar ellos mismos a los "pacientes" de felpa. Eso sí, los pequeños cirujanos (y sus padres) deberán abonar una entrada de cuatro dólares.

Fuente

N de la R: That's weird, uh?

Me encantó este comic!

Jajajaja adoré este comic!

Miren lo que es Sinfest ... para muestra... click here

Weird Sex Laws

Olvidense que lo traduzca, es muy largo y tengo mucho laburo para mañana, otro día, quizás se los traduzca.
(Found via StumbleUpon)

No man is allowed to make love to his wife with the smell of garlic, onions, or sardines on his breath in Alexandria, Minnesota. If his wife so requests, law mandates that he must brush his teeth.

Warn your hubby that after lovemaking in Ames, Iowa, he isn't allowed to take more than three gulps of beer while lying in bed with you-or holding you in his arms.

Bozeman, Montana, has a law that bans all sexual activity between members of the opposite sex in the front yard of a home after sundown-if they're nude. (Apparently, if you wear socks, you're safe from the law!)

During lunch breaks in Carlsbad, New Mexico no couple should engage in a sexual act while parked in their vehicle, unless their car has curtains.

In Cleveland, Ohio women are not allowed to wear patent-leather shoes.

Clinton, Oklahoma has a law against masturbating while watching two people having sex in a car.

It's safe to make love while parked in Coeur d'Alene, Idaho. Police officers aren't allowed to walk up and knock on the window. Any suspicious officer who thinks that sex is taking place must drive up from behind, honk his horn three times and wait approximately two minutes before getting out of his car to investigate. [Hmmm... okay, there's one place with a law that makes sense... -psl]

In Connorsville, Wisconsin no man shall shoot off a gun while his female partner is having a sexual orgasm.

In Detroit, couples are not allowed to make love in an automobile unless the act takes place while the vehicle is parked on the couple's own property.

A law in Fairbanks, Alaska does not allow moose to have sex on city streets.

In Florida it is illegal for single, divorced, or widowed women to parachute on Sunday afternoons.

In Harrisburg, Pennsylvania it is illegal to have sex with a truck driver inside a toll booth.

The owner of every hotel in Hastings, Nebraska, is required to provide each guest with a clean and pressed nightshirt. No couple, even if they are married, may sleep together in the nude. Nor may they have sex unless they are wearing one of these clean, white cotton nightshirts.

Another law in Helena, Montana, mandates that a woman can't dance on a table in a saloon or bar unless she has on at least three pounds, two ounces of clothing.

A state law in Illinois mandates that all bachelors should be called master, not mister, when addressed by their female counterparts.

An excerpt from brilliant Kentucky state legislation. "No female shall appear in a bathing suit on any highway within this state unless she be escorted by at least two officers or unless she be armed with a club".

The following important amendment however is to be considered here: "The provisions of this statute shall not apply to females weighing less than 90 pounds nor exceeding 200 pounds, nor shall it apply to male horses."

In Kingsville, Texas there is a law against two pigs having sex on the city's airport property.

Any couple making out inside a vehicle, and accidentally sounding the horn during their lustful act, may be taken to jail according to a Liberty Corner, New Jersey law.

In Los Angeles, California, a man is legally entitled to beat his wife with a leather belt or strap, but the belt can't be wider than 2 inches, unless he has his wife's consent to beat her with a wider strap. Consent should be given prior to the event, as is carefully stipulated. [Not to be confused with the myth about "rule of thumb"'s origin -psl]

In Maryville, Missouri, women are prohibited from wearing corsets because "The privilege of admiring the curvaceous, unencumbered body of a young woman should not be denied to the normal, red-blooded American male."

In Michigan, a woman isn't allowed to cut her own hair without her husband's permission.

In Nevada sex without a condom is considered illegal.

An ordinance in Newcastle, Wyoming, specifically bans couples from having sex while standing inside a store's walk-in meat freezer!

In Norfolk, Virginia, a woman can't go out without wearing a corset. (There was a civil-service job-for men only-called a corset inspector.)

In Oblong, Illinois, it's punishable by law to make love while hunting or fishing on your wedding day.

In Oxford, Ohio, it's illegal for a woman to strip off her clothing while standing in front of a man's picture.

In hotels in Sioux Falls, South Dakota, every room is required to have twin beds. And the beds must always be a minimum of two feet apart when a couple rents a room for only one night. And it's illegal to make love on the floor between the beds!

A Tremonton, Utah law states that no woman is allowed to have sex with a man while riding in an ambulance. In addition to normal charges, the woman's name will be published in the local newspaper. The man does not receive any punishment.

Utah state legislation outlaws all sex with anyone but your spouse. Next to that adultery, oral and anal sex, masturbation are considered sodomy and can lead to imprisonment. Sex with an animal - unless performed for profit - however is NOT considered sodomy. Polygamy - provided only the missionary position has been applied - is only a misdemeanor.

(The following was received from Patrick Clark unterhund@mailcity.com
a resident of Utah: "Unfortunately, your page on weird USA sex laws ( http://www.bertc.com/sexlaws.htm ) has some errors. Utah law does not consider masturbation to be sodomy. Specifically, Utah Code section 76-5-403 ( http://www.le.state.ut.us/~code/TITLE76/htm/76_05048.htm ) defines sodomy to include the mouth or anus of one person, and the genitals of another. Near as I can tell by reading the law, both are guilty of the misdemeanor, unless it's without consent. Then it's a felony for the aggressor. I can't find anything making private masturbation illegal. In public, on the other hand . . .

Also, "polygamy" is actually "bigamy" in Utah law (section 76-7-101 at http://www.le.state.ut.us/~code/TITLE76/htm/76_09002.htm), and it's a felony. Of course, adultery and fornication are both illegal, but there's no mention of position in the Utah Code anywhere.

Finally, regarding sex with animals, it's not "sodomy," true. It's "bestiality," which is a misdemeanor (section 76-9-301.8 at http://www.le.state.ut.us/~code/TITLE76/htm/76_0B015.htm). If done for pay--in fact, if any of the legal or illegal things listed above (aside from bigamy) are done in public--it's lewdness or sexual battery, depending on how willing any other person involved might be (section 76-9-70 at http://www.le.state.ut.us/~code/TITLE76/htm/76_0B037.htm).

Yes, it's anal of me to call this to your attention. I'm a picky sort, especially when my state's already, um, interesting reputation is unfairly attacked.')

In Ventura County, California cats and dogs are not allowed to have sex without a permit.

The only acceptable sexual position in Washington D.C. is the missionary-style position. Any other sexual position is considered illegal.

In Willowdale, Oregon no man may curse while having sex with his wife.

In the state of Washington there is a law against having sex with a virgin under any circumstances. (Including the wedding night).

---anon---

And in a similar manner:

In Lebanon, men are legally allowed to have sex with animals, but the animals must be female. Having sexual relations with a male animal is punishable by death. (Like THAT makes sense.)

In Bahrain, a male doctor may legally examine a woman's genitals, but is prohibited from looking directly at them during theexamination. He may only see their reflection in a mirror.

Muslims are banned from looking at the genitals of a corpse. This also applies to undertakers; the sex organs of the deceased must be covered with a brick or piece of wood at all times.

The penalty for masturbation in Indonesia is decapitation.

In Hong Kong, a betrayed wife is legally allowed to kill her adulterous husband, but may only do so with her bare hands.!! The husband's lover, on the other hand, may be killed in any manner desired. (Ah! Justice!)

Topless saleswomen are legal in Liverpool, England - but only in tropical fish stores. (But of course!)

In Cali, Colombia, a woman may only have sex with her husband, and the first time this happens, her mother must be in the room to witness the act. (Makes one shudder at the thought.)

In Santa Cruz, Bolivia, it is illegal for a man to have sex with a woman and her daughter at the same time. (I presume this was a big enough Problem that they had to pass this law?)

In Maryland, it is illegal to sell condoms from vending machines with one exception: prophylactics may be dispensed from a vending machine only "in places where alcoholic beverages are sold for consumption on the premises."